It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
