You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
