Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
