Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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