3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He has the fingertips of a God
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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