He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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