One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize