when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He shit in the fireplace
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
