I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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