i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
