the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My balls are so social today.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize