Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
