The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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