I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
ok first of all what the fuck
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
