Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
