And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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