well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
