His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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