I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
