Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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