Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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