Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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