I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize