I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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