I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
