What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
