just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize