A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
