There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
