I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
