I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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