good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize