I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
