he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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