Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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