my phone needs a breathalizer
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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