My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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