from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
