We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
