matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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