Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
