How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
