I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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