So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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