i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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