I wish my penis had an off switch
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
