I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize