and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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