Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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