hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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