good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
