question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
