Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
