I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
