You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize