I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
