i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
