He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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