well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
