dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
