I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
