Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
